renew my faith

I feel that I am becoming a stronger Christian and I have made it a habit that when things get tough, I turn to God. I thank him each and every day for the blessings I have and for being my savor. I am not perfect but I hope to continue on this spiritual journey.

so I’m calling this closed, even though it will never really be done…

Words matter so much… The things I say become the things that manifest in my life… Lately I’ve gotten into some nasty office gossip & it’s not good… I was much happier at work when I stayed out of all that…

For me, this goal is partly about consciously building awareness – awareness of the vastness of the universe – awareness of my sense of the force that created it and that continues to make things happen – awareness of how my prayers, intent, or whatever affects the world around me in very tangible ways, and awareness of the beauty & good within people…

I’ve been looking at the stars again… God has spoken to me in the stars since I was a little girl… When I look there, I am filled with reverence, awe, and peace… The night sky is my place of worship and at times in my life when I am not looking up, I am missing a connection that is very important to me…

I have always believed in the power of prayer/intent, but for awhile I had stopped relying on that… With all the stuff that’s happened in the past year, there have been times when I would literally cry to the heavens, “This isn’t right!” and ask whatever or whoever is there to fix it or at least help me deal… Then things would change – literally overnight…

Hubby has always said, “I can’t tell you the number of times in my life when I was broke and needed $2.35 that I got exactly $2.35!” That is the faith the two of us share… And whatever it is that brings the $2.35 to us, whether or not we call it by the name ‘God,’ we know it’s there… And I know that if I call on it, even in the most awkward way, an answer will come…

But knowing is only half of faith… Reliance is the rest, and the hardest part…

if you’re not consciously practicing faith, you just sort of lose that connection after awhile? My life has been a whirlwind this past year – mostly good things – which is probably why I stopped looking to the heavens & looking inside (same thing to me)... This goal is about cultivating awareness of that connection…

Wanting to is great – but how to? After reading the “Gift of Change” I am set to spend 5-30 minutes every morning in meditation and prayer. This seems like a long time right now… the book states that it will seem to get too short at some point in the future. I hope so – I have little patience at times and would really like a spiritual connection and miracle to come out of five minutes of prayer once a month. Thats really not going to happen.

I never realized how so many things are linked to faith. And how easily I could be put off my faith when I wanted to do things in a way that didn’t mesh with my belief system. Not that these things were ever “big” in-so-far-as I didn’t rob banks or anything, but even little things can seperate me. I have to focus on this goal almost hourly to do it right and I don’t know when I will be able to say I am “done”...but I do feel closer.

Half of my life I’ve had the most wonderful of blessings – that of being able to recognize God in the daily battles of life and attributing to Him all of my experiences, all the people I meet. Back then, His presence was a reality to me. I believed that everything was according to His plans. Then it all went downhill… I loved somebody who was supposed to be His. I gambled my faith for human love. I fell down hard and after so many attempts to get back up, I found myself losing hope. Even now. These days I am immersing myself in work which oftentimes leaves me empty and hollow inside. I have stopped questioning whether I am in the right place and time, or if I am doing the work He has planned for me to do. Yet I am restless and I know that the peace I am seeking within can only be found in quiet moments spent with Him, in front of the cross or the Blessed Sacrament, silent in loving prayer. But first, I need to believe once again in His unconditional love, that I am worthy in His eyes, so that I will be able to return it back to Him through others…