de-stress

The Pink song that I was most worried about it the one I did best. Figures, right? Anyway, whatever subconscious crisis sent me into my first panic attack is over.

:)

The review of my science project is over & went well so that stress has lifted.

I’‘m still pretty nervous, though. I guess it’s all the pent-up tension working its way out. Like an onion, I keep peeling back layers & uncovering more stress.

I have a voice lesson tonight – two hours of Pink, No Doubt, Pat Benatar, Debbie Harry, Bonnie Raitt & Jewel. Plus the new song by Uncle Bethel. All the songs have spots where I’m way down in the low end of my range, then way up in my head.

I figure the best way to prepare is to get comfortable, hydrate & do a long, gentle warm-up.

I’ve never had a panic attack before, but I think I might be right now. My heart is pounding, my breathing shallow, & my chest & throat are tight as a drum.

We’re playing a new song at our writer’s group tonight. The final chorus modulates up & takes me a couple of steps up into my head & it has to be strong. I strained to get there during practice and now my throat is sore.

It doesn’t help that my final presentation on the this phase of my science project is tomorrow & I just now a got a whole bunch of comments from a colleague who wasn’t there last week.

BREATHE…

Being sick, combined with the worsening situation with QB at work brought me to my knees. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that kind of anxiety. I dumped about it to one of my musician friends & with a beaming smile, she said “Congratulations.”

Was she serious? Yes.

“You’re changing your life,” she laughed, “and doing one helluva job, too.”

Light bulb moment!

The more I thought about it, the more it occurred to me that the worst that could happen was really pretty good. It was a revelation that opened a world of choices…

“You know, you can close the door on that crap anytime,” she said, “even if it is just a rolling shower door,” a light-hearted reference to my cubicle door.

I felt instantly lifted, and for the next few days, whenever I felt the anxiety creeping back in, I’d picture myself closing that rolling shower door on “them” & it made me happy…

Within a few days, I’d regained my footing & was seeing this “war” from a whole new angle. I decided to play my own game. Where they expected me to wilt, I’d stand. Where they expected me to react, I’d think.

They had spent the past few weeks painting me as some kind of hysteric, so I decided to release my anxiety through my music & bring calm confidence into my project’s peer review.

In spite of an attack from one of the old boys who came in with his own agenda, I was unshaken. The effect was dramatic. Rather than escalating my conflict with QB & her drone, it soothed things out. Instead of feeling uneasy, they felt good. So rather than fighting me, they began supporting me, taking my side against the old boy, even answering questions for me.

The middle managers all said, “Good review. You’re ready to take this one forward.” After it was over, “they” each came to me and told me, “You look great. You must be feeling a LOT better.” I was.

I spent most of the afternoon in my cube with my rolling shower door closed. A few people came by, knocked & poked their head in to say hi and then rolled the door shut behind them. I ventured out to talk with quite a few others, just to reassert myself & make sure my team knew that I was still paying attention.

At one point, I caught myself staring proudly at my shower door. Ok, so it’s just plastic… But in the cubicle wasteland, any barrier that people can’t see over or through is a FORTRESS…

I felt a rush of power. Not the kind of power that comes from tinkering with the fates of other people, but the kind that comes from remembering that a person can change their whole world just by changing themselves…

:)

after being out for so long. So it was nice t come home, have a nice dinner & throw myself into rehearsing for the next gig.

Half those people are stressed beyond the point of reason. It made me feel sad & very, very grateful.

eapecially when the emotional content of the song lets me dump all the anger that I have right now.

And put on the mask of the fearless lioness…

but I did thwart her power today & feel good about looking her in the eye, and not being afraid to say that I think she has overstepped her authority and I’m not going to silently tolerate it anymore.

Told the boss the same thing. He seems to have talked to her & she is behaving for now, but knowing how she always seems to revert to her old behaviors, I’m going to do a few other things to keep it low key, but protect myself.

and triumph. As long as QB is around, I will never be able to enjoy my work.

- I set up a little home office space, which helps keep my work (& also my songwriting stuff) organized instead of having it scattered across three briefcases.

- I managed to weed my flower beds in the cooler weather this week, and it was waaay past due. Poison ivy had begun to take a foothold in a few of them, and it has now been banished.

- Today hubby drove me to Lowe’s where I bought a new shower caddy. I know that sounds like no big deal, but it’s been driving me nuts how I’m constantly knocking his things over or dropping them on my foot. For just $32, we were able to buy the Cadillac of shower caddies, and was it ever worth it.