live, not merely exist

i don’t want the average American life,
getting a ridiculously boring job,
and having a ridiculously ordinary life.
i want to skydive,
to taste sunshine,
love as much as i can,
and to pee more than once in the woods.
[=

Shouldn’t we all be doing this?

I need to get me a life that makes sense! I want more out of my life then to just work, go home, sleep, work and be social once a month! I hate my boring life, Ireally do!

We just got the phone call. We have been chosen! They are setting up the film interviews to intersperse during the episode for the next 2 days. Then race day. I have to get ready now… I would very much like to win this thing… I am so excited and scared. I am going to be on CBC as part of a adventure race tv series… I hope I am not made to be the villain here or worse, I hope I am not the villain without anyone making me one… Wish me luck!

So, today I had a screen test to be one of the 3 groups that gets an imbedded camera crew. It looks pretty good. They said they wanted us to yell at each other and act like we are overly aggressive about winning. We said we would not. That was the only strike against us that I saw.
We will find out tomorrow…

but alas I am a canadian and, well, I have no particularly good reason for casting agents to pick me, at least none that I am aware of… Maybe I look ridiculous rappelling down a building, but don’t know it yet….

In any case, the Mitsubishi City Chase© is almost upon us. I asked my brother to be in it with me. We were going to train together, but he never got off his ass… I was disappointed and it was down to 2 weeks to the main event and I wasn’t even registered. Jeff bagged out on me, so I asked my friend M to do it with me… he had a triathlon the following day, so it wasn’t looking good, but in the end he chose the urban adventure race over the triathlon. So, we registered yesterday under the team name ‘Team Last Minute’.

Okay, this isn’t the amazing race, but it is the largest one day urban adventure race in the world. As well, if we win, we get to go to the Canadian finals and if we win that we get to go to the worlds!! I am so excited. This is exactly the kind of thing I just wouldn’t have bothered to do 2 years ago. It is a pain, and I don’t have any time, but life for me really is the moments I make between the things I have to do. I discovered that with my kids as soon as I had them and I never have a problem finding time to do great things with them, so now I just need to extend that attitude to my life…

Step one, we are going to win the Mitsubishi City Chase© Vancouver. We are also thinking of signing up to be one of the televised groups…. That is way out of my comfort zone. Those of you who know me, know my mantra with respect to TV is that if you don’t go on TV you reduce your chances of looking like a total idiot to the whole city or god forbid country by 100%!

I hope the urban adventure race is as fun as it looks!

...back to the grindstone.

Okay, the vacation was far from the relaxing one I wanted. It is official, I hate all inclusives. I really don’t want a whole bunch of anything, other than choice and freedom, so there is nothing about an all inclusive holiday that works for me. Concepts I love are small, unique and quality. This holiday honestly felt like I was in a cattle feeding station, only this one was for holidays. It was the fastest, most efficient way of giving as many people as possible the same vacation experience… and sadly it felt like that at all times…
So, other than the vacation experience itself, the wife and I did not click very well and it didn’t do much to get me out of the existence mode (this is a massive understatement). That said, I had a lot of things on hold for the end of the vacation, as I was just waiting and seeing how it turned out.
So, now my only focus and my only goal is to get a place of my own, and move my children and myself into the most positive, life-affirming, self-esteem building, safe and comforting living situation that I can. We will need to sell the house, and officially seperate and the difficulty of achieving this step can not be measured or explained. Although my wife has no problem telling me she hates me, and has not put any work or concern into our marriage in as long as I can remember, she still doesn’t want to seperate and will treat this situation like I am abandoning her for no good reason… The fear of her reaction and the immeasurable, unknowable, irrational actions that she will take has been paralyzing and she knows it.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o’erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O’erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill’d with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height.

very bad. Ever since I entered that last post, my life has been getting to be a lot more merely exist, not live. Things between my wife and I have been going down hill, and I have to tell you, I didn’t think there was a lot of hill below me at that time. Oh, how wrong I was. I remember, I was also worried that I was putting too much of my energy into my fitness goals to make up for the fact that no other goals were going well. That was very right.
We are off to Mexico for a 2 week family vacation with a bunch of firends that we have. I have been looking forward to this for awhile as I have decided that upon returning to Vancouver, I have move on getting my life back.
Work is insanely busy right now as well, so that isn’t helping. I keep waiting to live and meanwhile, life is passing me by…

I need to make more of an effort at this.

I over anaylize and scrutinize everything I do. Time is passing so quickly and I don’t really know if I’m making the most of it.

that’s a scary thought.

starting on this NOW.

When I am living I will able to write more….still existing today