fall in love again

Ok so everyone is probably been hurt before… and we usaully have those thoughts of never again, I can’t go through this again. I too have that internal dialogue but even when I am having those thoughts perhaps as I am having them… I know deep down that sometime in the future I will be OK and that I will want to meet someone again. I know there will be a moment in which I will be willing to put myselft outhere and be vulnerable again. I don’t know if I am there yet but if I am not I think I am pretty close.

I don’t neet to fall in love tomorrow or next week. Besides it takes me a while… I have to get to know someone. I need to make a connection. I simply need to keep myself open to the idea. I need to keep myself opent to meeting someone and I most importantly I need to put myself out there.
I have a tendency to become a recluse. I need to be mindful of that.

For the past couple of years I have had a very good excuse for not meeting someone or not being ready to meet someone. My mother got very sick and died. The person I had dated but was no longer dating was being very hurtful (no surprise there, he was always a royal asswhole) and then I lost several friends. Funny how people don’t want to be arround you when things are not going well. Anyway, I then lost another family member whom I was very close to. So… yeah not a good time for romance.

But this year I feel better. I mean I had a shitty enough two years so it can only go up from here. I have to say it has. Nothing terribly bad has happened.

I just have to think positively and put myself out there in order to meet people whom I may possibly conect wiht and fall for even if I could get hurt again.

Ten years ago, I dated two men I met through match.com and I’m slowly warming-up to the idea of doing it again. I keep saying the men around here suck, but I really think that’s because of the ones I’m exposed to the most. There are scholars and professionals here, too; I just have to get over myself and meet one. I jokingly told a friend she could write my profile, but I’m afraid she took me a little too seriously. At the same time, it might be helpful to know what she thinks stands out the most about me. Maybe, this could help me avoid some unforeseen dating problems—not that I really expect anything to go wrong. It’s just been too long since I’ve done this, so I’m nervous.

on this particular person anyway. I’ve made an effort… enough that it should be apparent where I stand. But I’m not going to keep beating my head against a brick wall. The ball is in his court. For now I am just going to focus on other things.

I’ve been feeling like I’d lost my lightness of being, my sense of happiness and contentment. Wondering why, I started to ponder. I met someone a few months ago, started dating, started to fall in love with him. And then started to feel…dependant on him I guess. The relationship didn’t feel as good as it had at the beginning, and I wondered why. Overanalyzing is my speciality so I pondered deeper – what had changed? what could I do to get things back to the way they were at first? Was he losing interest in me? Had he realized that I wasn’t all that great after all?

And then today I realized what had happened – I entered into the relationship a whole person, complete in myself and happy with my life. And then I gave away my sense of self worth, stopped looking inward for validation and started defining my worth by whether or not this person liked me. This created a void which required the other person to fill it. When he didn’t do so in the manner I wished him to, I started to question my own worth and attractiveness. Looking back I can see how when I was complete in and of myself, I was kinder, happier, had peace of mind. I was able to look outward and interact with others from a position of confidence. I was grounded. Giving away that sense of validation, creating that void, had left me in a place where I became needy and bitchy and jealous, all feelings of despair based on a need for someone else to like me so that I would feel whole and worthwhile again.

When that revelation came it was an ‘ah ha!’ and also a ‘d’oh!’. It’s not about him, it’s about me. It’s also not a game to play, to try and win affection or attention by acting a certain way or retreating. It’s about defining boundaries and having a clear sense of self worth. Being an island so to speak. Independant of what anyone else thinks of me, what matters is what I think of myself.

And now, I’m off, to practice reclaiming my internal validation, thereby filling the void and eliminating the problem.

i wish so badly to fall in love again,
only because it might take away from the hurt of losing him.

I just hope it’s mutual.

There’s nothing that’s as exciting (and nerve-wracking) as falling for someone… all of the hopeful anticipation…

But I never feel more alone… When you have high hopes you have so much farther to fall if it doesn’t work out.

What am I to do?
I couldn’t help it in the past.
Now I can’t feel it.
Not sure I want it.
Wish I still had it.
I can’t help it.

there will be an answer, let it be.

- let it be; the beatles.

it

I attract love into my life as I send it out to others through my daily actions and thoughts.