Laura I want to talk about change.
After all these years I saw him again — 3 weeks ago
In 1982 I loved a man so much it broke my heart and ruined my life for about ten years. My sister was telling me about finding her old fiance on line again. So I googled and there was Gerrit, with his wife and two little girls in a church letter pdf. Man, is he ugly now!LOL But you know the memory of the love is still there. In my new church the pastor asked us to spend praying to God in nature. Excited about the transformation this could bring I headed out with a new sling back and set in my new mosquito netted canopy. The crickets, the frogs, the sounds of nature. Suddenly, my mind went back to a night I slept outside next to him in a sleeping bag. We were devout Christians and he didn’t make any advances. But tonight his memory advanced right into my little tent. I suddenly had something to pray about. I told God that I was angry about all that. I’ve told him that before, but this time was a lot less emoyionally enganged. I wasn’t yelling at God, I just acknowledged that I didn’t think it was too cool to let me fall so hard for someone and not share their life with them. But I think this time, I realized that it would have never worked out. For me, that would have been a travesty. Because I had a mentally ill mother I bought the lie, that a man like Gerrit could never love a woman like me. I was so needy and if I had a failed marriage with Gerrit, it would have just re=inforced that. So I listened to God’s earth, the crickets, the frogs, the sounds I shared with Gerrit. I told God that I had loved Gerrit and for one because his love of nature caused him to love God all the more. But I told the Lord, now I’m ready to have the man you’ve chosen for me. There’s another man out there who loves the sound of nature. I guess seeing the script of Gerrit’s life in black and white somehow helps me move on.









