move on with my life

In 1982 I loved a man so much it broke my heart and ruined my life for about ten years. My sister was telling me about finding her old fiance on line again. So I googled and there was Gerrit, with his wife and two little girls in a church letter pdf. Man, is he ugly now!LOL But you know the memory of the love is still there. In my new church the pastor asked us to spend praying to God in nature. Excited about the transformation this could bring I headed out with a new sling back and set in my new mosquito netted canopy. The crickets, the frogs, the sounds of nature. Suddenly, my mind went back to a night I slept outside next to him in a sleeping bag. We were devout Christians and he didn’t make any advances. But tonight his memory advanced right into my little tent. I suddenly had something to pray about. I told God that I was angry about all that. I’ve told him that before, but this time was a lot less emoyionally enganged. I wasn’t yelling at God, I just acknowledged that I didn’t think it was too cool to let me fall so hard for someone and not share their life with them. But I think this time, I realized that it would have never worked out. For me, that would have been a travesty. Because I had a mentally ill mother I bought the lie, that a man like Gerrit could never love a woman like me. I was so needy and if I had a failed marriage with Gerrit, it would have just re=inforced that. So I listened to God’s earth, the crickets, the frogs, the sounds I shared with Gerrit. I told God that I had loved Gerrit and for one because his love of nature caused him to love God all the more. But I told the Lord, now I’m ready to have the man you’ve chosen for me. There’s another man out there who loves the sound of nature. I guess seeing the script of Gerrit’s life in black and white somehow helps me move on.

I want to break free from my pain which revolves around my obesity, which revolves around so much past pain that I can’t sort through it all. There is nothing for me to do, but say it is what it was and move on. I want to believe I can change my future by letting go of the past. Today I did one small thing. I got a new hair cut.

I need to realize that it’s time to move on. Obviously choices were made months ago that I must come to terms with.

My health is again poor, I have no job, very little money, the broken promises, the threats of never seeing her again….

For months I have put this off and even tried to forget it even happened. I just thought he was that guy. I mean, we were SO fricken happy for so long but in reality it was a one sided thing for many months.

Well, come to find out for longer than I thought.

I know it’s not gonna be easy to finally face the truth of everything that was involved but I need to find some kind of peace with it.

I know by doing this I may lose her too and I don’t know if I’m ready yet but I’m forced to try. I can only hope she will remember me when she is older.

As for him, he forgot about me months ago. Well, he SAYS he hasn’t but actions speak volumes and last night I got the message loud and clear.

I hate this but I suppose when your so far down like I am now it can only get better. Right?

I can only hope.

i’m proud to say that i’ve done this. it took several months of pain, tears, poems, letters and countless hugs from family and friends but i did it. yey! growing up may be the hardest thing to do but it’s definitely worth every second of pain. you plan your life and it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to..and discovering this hurts so much. the important thing is you learn everytime you stumble.

i need to realize that he’s not a part of my life anymore… but it seems like such a strange concept, almost surreal, and i can’t really believe it

i need to move on, focus on other things and make myself happy

i need to get over him..im addicted to him..and its not good for my health…

I’ve been separated from my husband for a year. I feel like I’m in the movie “Groundhog’s Day” as nothing is changing. I’m afraid to go either way, besides, finances aren’t such that I could do so even if I knew what to do! How do others make this decisio? Was there a defining moment when you just knew? And how did you arrive there?

I’ve lived in the past and future for so long, its time to live for today. It feels good to look at what I’ve done to better myself. I think its the fact that my grades in Spanish keep going up. This is something that I’ve always wanted to learn and I’m doing. No one or nothing is hold me back. Well, let me be honest. I am not holding myself back. I see a bright future in front of me and I am eager to live life. I am eager to move on with the life I’m meant to live!!!

I have noticed an interesting pattern in my life. From time to time I will just get sutck in some issues, things that will not allow me to be able to move on with my life. I want to find the strength to take a deep breath, forget the past, dare not to fear the future and move on with my life.
what if what I wanted did not happen, what if something terrible happened? I will choose not to get stuck but to move on and on and on for nomatter how many times I will have to.

it takes a lot of strength, determination, willpower, and faith in God. thank God that finally i’m at peace….