Yesterday I went on a schooltrip to an area where I’ve lived for about 8 years. I wanted to go there. I hadn’t been there since. It was quite an experience. I saw all those places that I used to go to. Stores I went to, restaurants I ate at, the city, the beach, the trams I used to travel with, etc. etc. And going by all those places I could feel what was the binding emotion, like the thread that keeps the beads together: it was loneliness. I felt so very very lonely when I lived there. I didn’t realize it back then. I was too used to feeling that way. It had always been like that, and I didn’t think life could be any better. At least not for me.
As I was sitting at the bus, driving past all those places, feeling what I felt back then, I tried to think of what I had needed: I needed to talk, about everything that had happened. I should have gotten it all out.
And I was very aware that if I wanted a better life than that, I should talk now.
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I got so terribly angry today. Over a remote I couldn’t find. It drove me nuts, it HAD to be somewhere, unless someone had taken it to work or something! I can’t even recall how angry I was. I wanted to smash something (I didn’t though).
I am angry a lot lately. I wake up angry almost every morning. For no apparant reason. I’m just angry. Often when I go to bed I am angry about something, and I can’t sleep because of it. I have dreams where I’m angry and have arguments with people, yell at them, tell them how I feel about something. In real life I never do! I never get angry with people. I hardly ever tell them how I feel about something (unless I can’t avoid it). I avoid arguments at all cost. It feels good when I do it in the dreams though. Releasing that energy. But in the dream it doesn’t have consequences. I’m afraid I’m gonna explode sometime for real. I am pretty sure this is gonna happen….
I wonder why I put the word ‘back’ in the title of this goal. Has my life ever been on track? No it hasn’t.
