love life again

How I did it: It's hard to love life again when something happens to make you hate it. I'm actually not POSITIVE I'm back to loving life the way I did once before... But, I know I'm a lot happier than I've been in a long time..<3

Back in January, I found out my mom was dying from the cancer she'd been fighting for the last 5 years. And well, I kinda shut off because of that. I became an empty shell of myself.. I'd laugh and smile, but I felt empty. And it only got worse after she passed away.

I was so angry and sad.

I still am somedays.

But I think I've accepted that--even though it's not okay that she's gone--death is a part of life. And unfortunately, hers came too soon.

I miss my mom. So much. Everyday. I wish I'd have called her more. I wish I'd have hugged her more and shared even more of myself  with her. I wish I had been strong enough to have been there for her in her last month.

But it was so hard to see her the way she was.

I didn't want that image of her to be the one that stuck in my mind forever... and it hurt so much to see her that way, so I cowered away from her and my family. And I get soo mad at myself for being that way. I still kind of avoid my family. Not really on purpose, but... when I'm around them, I want my mom there too. It forces me to acknowledge that she's not here anymore, and I feel depressed all over again.

And... so, it's hard.

But I know that she wouldn't want me to be sad. She never wanted anyone to worry about her. She never wanted to be treated like she was sick. She actually got mad when we did.

Anyway, my turning point was earlier this month.

So, there are lots of happy memories of my mom, but there's one thing that I recently remembered that helped make it easier for me to smile. 

She used to always tell me that my brother, sisters and I had her smile. And it was one of the things she loved about herself. She called it a "Muckey" smile. (That was her maiden name.) So, when I was being grumpy or sad, she'd see me and tell me, "Hey! Don't waste that Muckey smile I gave you!"

It always made me laugh. I loved my mom's smile. I'm glad she thought that I had her smile. I don't feel like I do, but... knowing that she compared hers (that she loved so much) to mine... makes me happy.

Heh. I guess this sounds kind of stupid.

Anyway, point is, what's the use in being sad/angry? Like I said, there are days where I can't help it, but... once it's out of my system, I shouldn't dwell. Because there's no reason to let my life pass me by.. especially when there's so many wonderful things about life. My mom dying was a horrible and incredibly unfair thing to have happen.. but, being sad about it forever was the last thing my mom wanted.

So, I've decided to smile my Muckey smile and start looking for the good things in life. 

And now, slowly, I can feel my happiness coming back.<3

Lessons & tips: I don't really think I could offer any. ^_^;; Because I think everyone's road to loving life again is different.

Resources: Memories of my mom.
Finding happiness in the small things.
Smiling.

---

Aug 31, 03:42PM PDT | 6 comments | 4 cheers