Have a better relationship with my in-laws

the in-laws in a few weeks! It’ll be a week or so of actually staying with them, which should be quite intense, but hopefully manageable.

We do have a much better relationship now than we used to, and living in a different country now certainly puts things in a different perspective.

I am in reasonable contact with them, though, particularly my mother-in-law and we’re going to see another dance show together while I’m staying there.

So far, so good…

Haven’t got around to emailing my bf’s sis yet, but I’m planning to do it this week, maybe even today. Also, my bf’s mum has invited me to another dance show. This time it’s David Parsons’ company from New York. That’s next weekend and should be exciting and give us another opportunity to have quality time alone to talk. When I had some poems published on the net recently I sent her the link and she responded with a thoughtful email about how the poems made her feel and how she would like to talk about them more with me when we get the chance. I’m looking forward to it.

but things still seem to be going fine. My bf’s youngest sister recently flew off on a trip around Central and South America and I’ve been thinking maybe I’ll email her, as a nice friendly gesture.

It was my bf’s mum’s birthday a couple of weeks ago and, not only did I remember it (it helped that she has the same birthday as one of my best friends!) but I phoned her up to wish her happy birthday. She seemed pleased to hear from me and I felt good about myself for taking that step. As far as I can remember, it’s the first time I’ve phoned her on my own initiative.

Then, last weekend she had an extra ticket to a performance of Phillipe Gentil’s dance company in Tel Aviv and, knowing that I love dance, invited me to go along with her, just the two of us. My first response was to decline, partly because my bf and I already had other plans, and partly because I knew it would be a slightly stressful experience. I told her I’d call her back and talked about it with my bf and he clarified a thought that I’d had: that her invitation had symbolic significance above and beyond the fact that she just had an extra ticket and that if I declined, that would have symbolic significance too. He was right and I knew he was, and I also knew that this was a perfect opportunity to advance this goal. Also, a free ticket to a dance performance was quite an incentive!

So I went and, although I was a little nervous (perhaps we both were a bit) I had a good time. We talked mainly about general subjects, things that we have in common, our love of books and films (in this area our tastes can be quite similar). After the performance, which was spectacular, we went for coffee and it was only really on the drive home that we talked about anything ‘serious’.

She asked me about me and my bf’s plan to move back to London for a couple of years and I told her about how hard it is to make the decision of where you’re going to live for the rest of your life when each member of a couple is from a different country. It felt good to open up to her and I didn’t feel any judgement from her. I feel like this could be the start of a new direction in our relationship.

I had many reasons to be shy of my in-laws when I first met them, about four years ago. My bf had told me that they’re judgemental people. Also, early comments made by my mother-in-law made me wonder if they were disappointed that I’m not Jewish. And, in terms of background, values and beliefs, I’m very different from them.

I had very little confidence expressing myself in Hebrew around them and this, combined with the other things I mentioned, led to a situation where I felt like I couldn’t be myself around them, felt like I was being judged and like I couldn’t participate in conversation in a normal way. I couldn’t express myself. So I was always withdrawn in their presence, feeling bored and inhibited.

My in-laws have very set ideas about what is right/wrong, effective/ineffective, acceptable/unacceptable behaviour. A lot of the judgements I see them making about people are based on how well and effectively they see that person ‘getting on in the world’. They are both very successful, career oriented, outward-directed people, much more about the yang than the yin.

If someone chooses not to work or to spend a lot of time alone or doesn’t find it easy to relate to people, they think there must be something wrong with the person, rather than just having a different personality type.

My bf and I meet up with his parents about once a week on average. I have often looked on this meeting as a chore. Things are actually a lot better than they used to be. My Hebrew is better and I have been putting my attention on being more myself around them. But things can still be improved a lot. The reality is that we do see them a lot and I’m buggered if I’m going to suffer through every meeting just waiting for it to be over. I would like us all to enjoy these meetings and actually look forward to them.

This is what I’m going to do to try and improve our relationship:

• Release the fear of whether or not my in-laws approve of me.

• Express my true opinions and beliefs, even if they don’t correspond to theirs.

• Be more confident about leading/beginning conversations with them.

• Give sincere compliments.

• Offer advice sensitively (they’re big on the value of giving advice).

• Create and take opportunities in one-on-one situations with members of the family, e.g. email, text, or call them up to say ‘hi’ from time to time.

• Be more open; show more of myself.

• Find more areas in which we can relate to one another.