become more laid back

i feel as if nothing satisfies me. im so stressed about he future and achieving goals that ive made up in my head that i cant enjoy myself or anything ive accomplished. this attitude makes me sad and im really hoping, with the new year, that i can relax and not worry about money or relationships, or friends, or how i look. i need to feel more comfortable and confident with myself and not be such a huge ball of stress. 2009, you better be good to me!

life would be less stressful wouldn’t it!

so i feel that i am becoming careless about pointless things, and caring about the vital ones. i dunno. it is happening quite naturally. i find myself saying, i am completely indifferent, when people want to get me upset about a trivial situation.

one thing that i have found myself caring about lately is the last one. it ended abruptly, and poorly, unsurprisingly. i really made mistakes. and now i realize i must not be all that strong of a person because the reason i left, well one, was that he was such a temptation. i had such a hard time saying no, it scared me. its upsetting though that i wasnt able to help him as much as i wanted though… he was so far from god where he was. and i just gave up because i wasn’t strong. maybe he saw that i was a little strong, because i never really gave in. i dont know. i feel bad. i knew it wasnt going to work going into it. i wonder if he knew that too. this is one thing i find myself caring about lately :(

another thing is just that the people closest to me are getting married and having babies. i kind of want to be a single mom sometimes. i dont want to wait for a man. ugh. but of course i do. and i will. its ridiculous for me to think i should have a baby on my own. i guess i was just thinking about that because i was scared and i was seeing how maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i had a baby by myself. but, it would.

pretty much other than those things i have been going along in life. a different life. lately my life has been so void of art and density and creation. its just wake up, work, socialize, sleep a little. i hardly do anything alone anymore. i have no extended periods of time for painting anymore. it sucks. i hate being connected to people at every moment of every second of every bit of my life. ugh. i miss feeling a bit unreachable.

i just need to work on my priorities.
paint.
read.
write.
serve.
be with family.
love my friends.

im getting better at this. im still really quite a perfectionist, but im dealing with stress better. i basically just keep in mind that a lot of the little things will be irrelevant in the future. and everything is out of my hands. but in gods.

i so badly want to be a classy girl, someone to look up to. the thing i need to work most on right now is gossip. not that i do it all the time, but the littlest thing… and it comes back to haunt me. i mean, i can barely have a conversation at work and talk about someone, and word spreads like wildfire. so what i need to do is just stop talking about people and my life altogether. clearly. its ridiculous, but it must be done. people are childish. thats why i need to act better.

i feel like im really turning into adult. maybe. slowly. i feel it coming now.

thank goodness for the boys and their talk. it gave me a wake up call that i desperately needed. i needed to be brought back down to earth regarding that situation. what i wanted was just absurd and unrealistic and quite stupid. it would have been completely… ridiculous to do what i wanted. i need to thank them for being honest with me. it may have saved me a lot of heartbreak and time and embarrassment.

so i realized something that i think might be helping me deal with my stress. i thought about how someday im going to get my masters and my phd, and its going to be a lot of work. more work than now.

so over it.
bye stress

somehow, i wasn’t just stressed out that i didn’t finish this huge paper.

and im happy.
im making time for life.

ok im like 4 weeks into school and im already letting stress get to me. i cant let this happen again.

whatever i do, it is enough.

that is how i need to live. i need to learn how to turn off my mind sometimes. i think that i never turn it off, and its driving me crazy.

i need to stop thinking about
-all of the projects and reading and papers i have to get done
-how my plant is slowly dying
-how the next couple years are going to pan out
-how i look
-what choices i need to make

and i need to think about
-the things i love (art, kids, laughter, family)
-the things im excited about (involving myself in new activities, new friends, summertime, birthday!)
-giving
-god

its going to be okay.

i need to be more laid back about crap
like school and people and demands
basically thats it
school stresses me out the most :(
here we go, im going to zen now
goodbye!

In high school I had no worries. I think that is why I was so much happier and I had more fun. Now, 4 years later, my personality has become somewhat… rigid? For a 21 year old I know I am too uptight.

It bothers me because I used to be such a FUN person. I made everyone laugh. Now I have become impatient and.. boring?

I want to be able to do silly things, to take my time and enjoy life instead of acting like I have to be super responsible (which I am not.. I don’t even have a job).. Maybe thats why I try to act responsible in the small things, to make up for the irresponsibility I have in the bigger things.

I just want to go through each day with ease, and not freaking out over stupid small things. I think I am wasting my time and ruining my life.

especially if you go to countries that have a more laid back mentality. You are just forced to take things not as serious since otherwise you would go totally nuts.